Not being able to afford to share an apartment with roommates.
Having to spend a month illegally living in my friend's Hebrew University dorm room, using my campus pass from the program I volunteered for to get past the guards and hoping like hell that they wouldn't figure out what I was doing.
Having to rent a room from a woman who wouldn't allow me to have people over ever because she "didn't want her daughter exposed to immorality".
Never being able to host Shabbat meals, and knowing my inability to reciprocate was a deterrent to inviting me.
Being socially isolated by being unable to go out to eat with my friends.
Being made fun of for eating a lot of cheap bread. Mostly eating bread and hummus until I figured out that vegetables were cheap at the shuk.
Feeling like a drain on the yeshiva because they were supporting me, feeling guilty because one person in administration had promised me more aid than the other agreed with and I had to insist on getting it because I needed it to survive.
Feeling like a failure because I couldn't find a place to live when everyone else could.
Feeling guilty for spending $100 on a safrut class while I was living on a yeshiva stipend.
Getting pressured into therapy with an inappropriate therapist and being unable to change because I couldn't afford anything else. Quitting because it was bad for me and being afraid that the yeshiva would find out and I'd be in trouble.
Spending two years taking a medication that stole a lot of my energy and slowed down my thinking, because I needed it in order to function and couldn't afford the better drug.
Needing a neurology appointment to get that drug, and having to accept money from an abusive person who was manipulating me in order to pay for it.
Listening to rabbinical students who could live in nice apartments, eat out, visit other countries, and take extracurricular classes that cost $700 complaining about being poor.
Knowing I'm lucky to be able to spend so much time learning, and that my parents would rescue me if I really needed help. Knowing that living like that was to an extent voluntary. Knowing that there was a limit to how bad things could get.
Remembering what it was like in Israel
Not being able to afford to share an apartment with roommates.
Having to spend a month illegally living in my friend's Hebrew University dorm room, using my campus pass from the program I volunteered for to get past the guards and hoping like hell that they wouldn't figure out what I was doing.
Having to rent a room from a woman who wouldn't allow me to have people over ever because she "didn't want her daughter exposed to immorality".
Never being able to host Shabbat meals, and knowing my inability to reciprocate was a deterrent to inviting me.
Being socially isolated by being unable to go out to eat with my friends.
Being made fun of for eating a lot of cheap bread. Mostly eating bread and hummus until I figured out that vegetables were cheap at the shuk.
Feeling like a drain on the yeshiva because they were supporting me, feeling guilty because one person in administration had promised me more aid than the other agreed with and I had to insist on getting it because I needed it to survive.
Feeling like a failure because I couldn't find a place to live when everyone else could.
Feeling guilty for spending $100 on a safrut class while I was living on a yeshiva stipend.
Getting pressured into therapy with an inappropriate therapist and being unable to change because I couldn't afford anything else. Quitting because it was bad for me and being afraid that the yeshiva would find out and I'd be in trouble.
Spending two years taking a medication that stole a lot of my energy and slowed down my thinking, because I needed it in order to function and couldn't afford the better drug.
Needing a neurology appointment to get that drug, and having to accept money from an abusive person who was manipulating me in order to pay for it.
Listening to rabbinical students who could live in nice apartments, eat out, visit other countries, and take extracurricular classes that cost $700 complaining about being poor.
Knowing I'm lucky to be able to spend so much time learning, and that my parents would rescue me if I really needed help. Knowing that living like that was to an extent voluntary. Knowing that there was a limit to how bad things could get.