crewgrrl: (coat of arms)
Some days I think that I was meant to be pagan.

I love the spectacle, you see. I love the idea that firespinning can be part of worship, that the song below can be a prayer. I wish that the ritual I grew up with was as homegrown and wild and beautiful. That I could make a Labyrinth for myself, and walk it with a friend to find solace and meaning. A style of worship where no one has to find the answers to make women powerful and full members of the community. Where I can be who I am. A life where sex is magic and magic is real. Where everyone is celebrated. A place where drums call the dawn down.

Instead I have the stilted words of men who did not understand what it was to be a woman. Men who lived so long ago that today's world would be as though they landed on a foreign planet. The prayers of women come from a time where women were still considered less-than, still so profoundly othered.

I grew up feeling a second class citizen in my own religion, and inherited a profound discontent with a religion in which I do my utmost to find what meaning I can. I still believe in the rules, you see. I am bound by rules. there are many aspects of my life when rules make things better. Sometimes I just wish I had had a hand in the writing of them.

That's when I listen to [livejournal.com profile] s00j's neo-pagan stuff. When I think that those are the songs I was meant to be singing as a child, rather than rote prayers that still make little sense. And the wild pagan goddess creature in me dances and rejoices. I'm not really going to be showing up to any pagan worship anytime soon, or anytime ever. I'll keep carving out a space in the religion that God put me into that can really be mine. But one day, when I am old enough that no one can condemn me for my needs, I will spin fire. I will make beauty. I will knit prayers and love into blankets for babies, and sing songs of wild promise for all around me to hear. My daughters and sons will know that any path that brings them hope and light and happiness is a path to God. I will hope that by then, my own religion will have figured itself out enough that there is beauty and fire and wildness and hope.

Until then, I give you "Firebird's Child."



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crewgrrl

November 2012

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